


It's me, Dean Winchester

by gochu_gochu



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Original Character(s), POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-10-26 03:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20735450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gochu_gochu/pseuds/gochu_gochu
Summary: Diary entries of Dean Winchester, on board a ship at sea, trying to escape from the hunter life, with the help of Castiel and learning to cope with his problems.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic and I'm really excited. I'm not much of a writer but I like to write whenever the opportunity arises. Criticism encouraged. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to be weird or anything, but this was fun. Putting yourself in a character's shoes is different than writing a story. I hope that the readers understand my interpretation of what goes on in his thoughts, in the form of– well, a journal.

**September 18th, 2020.**  


_I had watched this play out in a million different ways, but it was never supposed to go like this._  


I am on a boat, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, sailing for god knows where and writing in a journal, like some hormonal teenage girl, and doing the thing I do best. Running. Cas is here, but it isn't the same thing, y'know? I just really miss Sam.  


It's our first day out here, alone, surrounded by, well, water. I hate it. I thought that this would be easier, isolating myself from everything I've ever known, everything I've ever loved. Jack, Mom, Bobby, Charlie, Claire, Jody, Sammy. It's difficult, but Cas is here. And I'm far away from monsters, evil, and _the family business._ It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's like I'm finally free. Free at last. 

Speaking of Cas, it's our anniversary. This was the day he raised me from perdition, the day we met. It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years already. Feels like I've known him forever. And I have. And in these 12 years, I'm really proud of what he's become. From a ruthless angel of the Lord, to traitor, to fake God, to one of Naomi's puppets, to a human, and finally the friend that I've known for all this while. Can't blame him though. We've all had our rough patches. Hell, I've been chum buddies with Crowley who also, happened to be the King of Hell. Since there's no one here who'd read this, I can admit that he was a really cool dude.  


I'm looking around, and all I see is the sea. I'm bored. I don't have music, I don't have Baby, and I miss Sam._ I really do._  


For the first time in forever, I feel safe. Not afraid of being ambushed by demons in the middle of the night, or being stabbed, shot, poisoned, knifed or gutted. All I have here, is myself, the boat, and the angel that I admire.   


I never got to tell him though. Maybe I will. After all, we now have so much time on our hands. Kinda disappointed that I can't do fingerguns on paper, but I'm doing it right now. Hehe. I have hope.  


Today has surprisingly been a good day. Ever since Cas got his wings back, he's been fetching me food, and water and booze. Lotsa booze. He's asked me if he can't just teleport me back to land, but I said no. I like it here, nothing to remind me of the life that I had there. No constant reminders of the Sam I lost, or the Mom I had to bolt on. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T.W: Suicide  
If you're sensitive to vivid imagery and/or mentions of suicide then please skip this chapter.

**September 23rd, 2020.**

I hate myself. I hate myself for getting Sam killed or abandoning Mom when she needed me the most. I hate myself for not growing some balls and dealing with my problems like a fucking man. I hate myself for not being there for people when they needed me. Shit, I'm doing it again! 

Cas has told me multiple times that it wasn't my fault. I can't fucking believe that guy. He knows that it was my responsibility to save Sam, yet I couldn't do the one fucking thing that I was supposed to. My job was to protect Sam. Hell, the purpose of my life was to protect Sam. Cas wouldn't understand. No one would. I have nightmares every day. I practically live off of sleeping pills. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've poured enough alcohol and pills down my gullet to kill me, over a thousand times. And I'll do it every day. I will, until Cas gets tired of healing me, every single time, and I drift off to sleep, for the one last time. 

There are so many ways I could kill myself here, and no one would know. I could slash my wrists, or hang myself from the ropes from the sails or, if I wanted to punish myself and die a particularly gruesome death, I could drown. Like the way Michael used to do when he was in my head, but this time for real. 

Ugh, it's been a really tiring day. 

I'm just gonna eat the three-day-old burger that's rotting in the fridge.


	3. Chapter 3

**September 25th, 2020. **

Cas brought books. Since I didn't bring my phone or my computer on board, I'll just browse through 'em. If Sam was here, he'd have remarked about how much I loved books, in the sassiest, most sarcastic voice he could conjure up. “You love books!”, he'd say. 

Can't believe that this guy is making me read Shakespeare. Thought I had enough of that in high  
school. He's making me read ‘The Tempest’ because apparently it was Bill Shakespeare's last play, and according to Castiel, is the most ‘introspective’ of all his plays. It's also because we're on a boat, and the play starts with the setting of a damn ship at sea. He doesn't want me to read ‘Hamlet’ because he says that it and I quote, “Might trigger bad memories”. He's so weird sometimes. 

He made me read ‘Charlotte's Web’, and may he burn in hell for that. I am a GROWN MAN but that book made me bawl like a goddamn baby. I'm mad at him for this. But it's ok. 'Cause he's friggin' adorable. 

Spending all this time alone with him has been so much fun. there was a lot of things that I wanted to do with him but I didn't have the time or energy to. I was worried for him in Purgatory, but now? Now's the time that I realize how much he means to me. He won't understand. He's an angel. He claims to understand how human emotions work but I know how big of a lie that is. I wondered how it would be like if I was in a relationship with him. Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe how it was not meant to be with Lisa and Ben. Wish I could tell Ben how much I missed him. How I had a chance at being a father to a boy, and fix the mistakes that Dad made when he brought me and Sam up. I should ask Cas if I would make a good dad. 

He said yes. He said that I already made a good dad because we raised Jack; me, Sam and Cas and that we were responsible to shape him into a good man. He's right, but I have my regrets. I regret doubting Jack of his character, and I sure as hell regret attempting to kill him. I hope he's alright. 

Cas tells me that we're approaching the Bermuda Triangle. Awesome. He's brought me books with eyewitness and survivor accounts of people who sailed through it. Whole ships, with the passengers and the crew, just poof! Gone! Some claim that there's a big ass meat-eatin' whale that lives here and swallows them whole, Jonah style. Some say that it's aliens. What a load of crap.


	4. Chapter 4

**September 26th, 2020. **

What the hell? Our boat's compass and ultrasonic radars are going bonkers. I had sneaked my EMF meter on board even though Cas told me, clearly, “No memorabilia of your past life is to be brought.” What can I say, except that I'm a rebel? 

The EMF is going crazy too. If Sam was here, he woulda asked me, “So what are we thinking? Ghosts?” and I'd have said, “Probably. I say we scope this place out and see if we can find our Casper.” Or something along similar lines. 

What the hell!? I asked Cas to get some canned soup or some shit, he tried, but he couldn't teleport out of here. Looks like we're going hungry for a few days. It's okay, I'm used to it. 

When I was a kid, about eleven or twelve, and Sammy was about seven, Dad went out on a hunt. I didn't go with him 'cause Sammy was sick, really sick. Like, hospital-sick. I didn't tell Dad that he was, because at that time, I thought that he would get mad at me for getting Sammy sick. Looking back, it was dumb, but I was just a kid. I got him admitted to a nearby hospital, where I carried him in my arms, my biceps aching and twitching as I took each step, carefully, so that nothing would happen to Sam. The docs kept him there for a few days, and I spent the money that Dad gave to us for food on hospital bills and medicines for him. Sam survived on hospital food, and I starved, but it got easier with time. 

I told this story to Cas, and he told me about the time that he was human, and the days when he starved, surviving on crap food that came out of soup kitchens and homeless shelters, often having to borrow from other poor, homeless people. “Often the ones who don't have much to give, are the most generous,” he told me. And I believed him. Because that's what I did for Sammy too. Except that one time I didn't._ The one time it mattered. _

There are mustard-yellow clouds forming and the air smells of sulphur like a swamp, or a bog marsh; or, well, demons. Ugh. I just saw a shadow of a very large fish or whale or shark glide below the boat. What the hell?

I called Cas and showed him the fish-shark-whale-dolphin monstrosity that was now circling the boat. Cas was panicking, but I found it all kinda awesome. Dude then whipped out his hand, touched the giant fish and fucking SMOTE it. MEGA AWESOME. 

“You just smote a monster that terrorized these seas for 400 years. How do you feel!?” 

“The same. Normal.” He said. 

This is insane. He killed the damn Kraken and THAT'S how he feels? What a weirdo! 

Anyways, the skies cleared up quickly after that but I still don't understand what the hell happened. It was fucking awesome though. 

I'm tired. Today was fun. Might doze off for a few hours now.


	5. Chapter 5

** September 27, 2020. **

We're sailing, as we were 9 days ago. I don't feel anything, considering that I wanted to kill myself a few days ago. But seriously, I'm fine. 

Cas is really sensitive and understanding. He hasn't asked me if I wanted to talk about what happened to Sam and that says something. He understands that I need my space. Honestly, I'm ashamed to tell  
him what happened. It's my fault that everything took place the way it did. It was never supposed to happen this way. 

Anyways, today was really sunny and the sea was calm so I took out my hook, line and sinker. Plopped myself on a camp chair with my rod in hand( well, that sounded suggestive), the sun in my eyes, and the wind in my hair. Cas steered today. 

Suck on this, nerds! I caught a friggin' cod. And it was a damn big one too. Cas just teleported to get a grill or some shit to cook the fish in. I'm craving some steak, but fresh fish'll do just fine. I don't want Cas to be overworking himself hauling ass from there to here just for my comfort. I really don't deserve him. 

Spending all this time on a boat, alone, made me think. Cas can clearly teleport and escape from here anytime he wants to. But he didn't? I guess he wanted some alone time too. To think of it, if it wasn't for Cas, I'd have killed myself the second I stepped on the boat. I was miserable; hell, I am miserable, but I'm trying. I'm trying to heal myself (though I don't deserve to be healed). Learning to live my life without someone who played a huge part in it. It was like I played a minor role in the story of my own life. 

Would it really be fair to Sam if I didn't try to bring him back? I was mad at him when he didn't look for me when I was blasted off to Purgatory, so, wouldn't he be mad too? I forgave him for not looking for me earlier, but I'm not too sure if I'll be able to forgive myself. I wonder what memories he's revisiting in heaven. Would be nice to know. 

Cas is back. He brought some thyme and rosemary and some other plants too to season the fish with. It's afternoon, and the fish is already on the grill. 

Damn, it's so sunny. Thank Chuck for inventing sunglasses. Or, thank Chuck for inventing humans who invented sunglasses. 

Cas keeps asking me about this journal. I like writing in it. It helps keep me sane. Also, I feel like a pirate, who always kept sea logs and a written record of whatever pirate crap they did back in the day. 

“Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!” I read that in ‘Treasure Island’. It's a sea shanty (I think).


	6. Chapter 6

**September 28th, 2020.**

Cas is a messy dude. He's got our cabin lookin' like a pig sty! Always assumed that angels would be more about hygiene, y' know? But then again, Cas isn't like other angels, is he?

I was cleaning up our cabin, which, by the way, barely had any space to walk on because Cas does not have this concept of putting the clothes to wash in his fucking head but instead has them scattered on the floor, waiting to be picked up by yours truly, and PUT TO FUCKING WASH. He has hung his trenchcoat in his cupboard, neatly, unlike his other articles of clothing. It's hot and there's no way that he'd wear it anytime sooner, I picked it up to fold it and stuff it into the back of his cupboard, to keep it safe and sound. I felt something in its pockets. I frisked 'em and pulled out the cassette which I gave him, with my top 15 Zepp tracks. I didn't know he still had it. I wish we had a cassette player, so we could listen to ‘When the Levee Breaks’ and ‘Fool in the Rain‘ for one last time, together. I always fantasized making out with someone I love in the Impala, slammed against the windows, with Zeppelin songs blaring as it overpowered the moaning, and the heavy breathing. As I said, Cas hasn't been wearing his usual trenchcoat and trousers and his neatly ironed shirt and his dress shoes because it's fucking hot. He's roaming around the deck wearing a plain grey v-necked tee, with boxers and ONLY BOXERS. It's actually refreshing to see him this relaxed.

And God, he looks so damn cool in those shades.

Today, we read more books. Nothing current affairs related 'cause I would just be searching for cases  
and then regretting that I wasn't there to take care of it like we always did. Me and Sam.

I read ‘Tom Sawyer’ and that was fun. Reminded me of a childhood I never had. No Huckleberry Finn and no Becky, though Sam was kinda like Sid and Aunt Polly reminded me of our Dad.

As the sun set, we talked. We had a one-on-one where Cas told me about his past I never knew, his childhood, with both of us holding a cold beer in our hands. As Cas told it, he was a very mischievous cherub, one of those baby-angels that were responsible for two people falling in love. Cupid, basically. He shot his love arrows and whoever it hit, they fell in love, immediately. But as I said, he was mischievous, and shot his love arrows just for fun. But the thing is, love arrows were only meant for humans, creatures with complex emotions and developed speech and brains, required to process love, which is in itself, a very complex emotion. Whichever creatures that Cas shot, evolved to became creatures who mated for life, having only one single partner throughout their lives, like swans or finches or–I don't know.

“You were a rebel even then, huh?”

“I guess it's in my nature,” Cas said, beaming a smile bigger than any I'd ever seen. He looked so pretty. So ethereal. So beautiful.


	7. Chapter 7

**September 30th, 2020.**

I love my boat, her name's Athena. The original owner (from whom we stole the boat) named her. She's real sweet. Reminds me of my Baby. Wonder how she's doing. 

Baby holds a lot of special memories for me. She was _my_ '67 Chevy Impala. When Sam used to sit shotgun beside me and sleep as I drove. How Cas and Crowley or Mom or Jack used to sit in the back and bicker and chat about. I learnt to drive in Baby, and Baby taught Jack how to drive, provided me and Sam a permanent roof on our heads; she felt like home. I've rebuilt her more times than I can count. Even an hour's nap on her seats felt like a night's sleep in any sleazy motel we slept. It belonged to us; me and Sam. We'd carved our initials on her dashboard and stuffed Lego bricks down her vents. We'd stargazed sitting on her hood and armed with beers. First it was Dad's car, then it was mine, then it was supposed to be Sammy's. Guess I expected me to die before he did.

And damn, the car sex. 

I miss her sometimes. I've had a longer relationship with that car than I've had with any woman. It's hard to let go of something like that. All of those memories associated with her. I have Athena now, and she'll do just fine.

And as for the memories, we can always make more.

Cas is here. His hair's so messy and dark, and his skin's so wonderfully tanned, and he's so sweaty. Who said that life at sea was so bad? 

_“Hello Dean.”_

There it is! I love it when he says my name out loud like that. His voice is so gruff? Kinda like sandpaper, but sexier.

He told me that I've been writing in this journal an awful lot, if I wanted to open up or talk to him. I told him no. I'll talk to him when I get over it. _If_ I get over it. 

I'm going to have lunch now. Over and out.


	8. Chapter 8

**October 1st, 2020.**

It's officially Spooky Season! I don't think I have enough candy on board to sustain myself. Halloween ain't Halloween without me excessively bingeing candy.

Me and Cas are gonna dress up this year.  
We ain't goin' anywhere but it'll be fun to spend a day on the boat in costumes. I can't decide what to dress up as. I haven't actually gone trick or treating, like, ever because of Sam's phobia of Halloween. It was so stupid, now that I think about it.

When I was about 14, Dad was hunting a revenant in St. Louis, Missouri, on Halloween night, me and Sam were alone in the motel room for the night. Dad was gone for about a week and we'd just started school. There was this really hot chick in my grade, her name was Brittany or Bethany or something, blonde, great rack, and like, really hot. She'd hosted a Halloween party, and I was invited. When I showed up, I saw that she had this big-ass bowl of candy, the expensive ones, the ones which Dad didn't allow me to eat, because apparently, big boys didn't eat candy. So I was there, staring at a bowl of candy that was way outta my league, and me being, well, me, chucked fistfuls of that candy down my pie-hole. About half an hour later, I got this, like, cramping in my stomach. Hurt like a real son of a bitch. I made a scene, so Bethany's mom had to drive me to the ER. It was so embarrassing, I swear to God, but– I didn't forget to smuggle some more candy out of there to take home to Sammy. Dad came to visit me, and he was PISSED. Sam couldn't stop smiling.

I was looking through the storage closet today, and there was a guitar in the back, horribly off-tune and dusty. I tuned it and me and Cas, we sang songs. Dude knows his Classic rock! I taught him well, after all. 

We sang ‘Born to be Wild’ (acoustic version of course), ‘Good Times, Bad Times’, ‘Going to California’ (one of Zeppelin's lesser known classics) and other songs too, in bits and pieces. Cas has a good voice, to my surprise, he's so different when he's enjoying himself. He immersed himself in the feel of those songs and damn, you could tell that he was having a good time. I had a good time too, seeing him this content. 

Sea Bass time! I caught a fish today. It's steaming, along with some rice and gravy, and Cas stole some top-shelf whiskey from offshore. Now THAT'S a recipe for a good time. Great food, even better booze, and on a BOAT. 

There's something wrong with Athena's engine. I'm gonna go check it out.


End file.
